Callous Death

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There ain’t nothing harder than death.The death of a loved one, the sudden death of a person you’ve spent and shared many memories with. That kind of death where you lose someone you did not expect to. Sudden illnesses, accidents. No one’s ever ready. Because we find out everyone deserves our tears and pain; we all mourn for those loving aged grandpas we lose in their 90s, and in the same way, we still mourn for the little babies and new-borns.

Dealing with the loss is a different class of pain though. We go to various lengths to make it make sense. We hope there’s a “resting lobby” where our loved ones are waiting. We believe in just about anything to make it make sense. Why? How? Mental creations of perfect peace and clouds become a daily comfort. Some become religious fanatics, some lose their minds.

Personally, losing a close person made me question my faith in God. I ditched Christianity for atheism trying to find the meaning and purpose of existence. I found the world and the controller of it so unfair in that, how could he create just to kill? What was his purpose? Why the suffering? If He is all knowing and all, why subject, his own “perfect”creation to great suffering? Little children who know no sin…why kill them at the very least? And the loop and array of questions piled in my brain. Beating me up day in day out. Suicidal thoughts that made me find solace in everything. Taking one’s life…and having the last laugh. Why not?

And as the mourning continued, people had birthdays, people attended weddings, proposals for marriage were made, people drank and made merry. Because? Because Death does not give a rat’s ass. Death will not give a f****g damn. People will keep dying while others get to be born in a world so callous, we wonder why people will choose to be pregnant.

Death has and will always be with us. As we cry our eyes out, back in our conscience we remember that we might be next in the casket. And we’ll ask, “What in the hell did I do with my life?”. And Death will still not give a f**k. And unashamedly, it will strike again. It will hover around and wallop on the little newborn who is yet to open her eyes to the world, it will mercilessly bang on the grieving widow’s son, it will go round and take two innocent brothers, at a go, leaving their poor parents soaking in devastation and pain. And it will laugh in their faces and wait a while, then strike back. And the evil cycle will continue, because Death will not respect you. It will not care if you really lived or not.

And because of this, I found my peace with Death. I have learned to live. It’s 8 years and a few months now. The thoughts and memories of my loved one still linger. Fresh tears still drop down. The undisturbed grave still peaceful and beautiful and probably unbothered with my constant pains.

And I have come to accept my fate. That Death has and will continue to strike us. The shock and tears, the “why me/us” are less now. I was part of a cycle. And we learn to let go. We find that the faster we let go, the easier it is with the pains.

My relationship with a supernatural being? Is there a God or not? I don’t know. I never proved it. I will not know till I lay there pretty and lifeless in a casket. The mystery of God and Death are one and the same. We will never know till our last breaths. Whether you believe in a God, to be safe in the after life, or believe to find meaning, that’s a personal decision.

But meanwhile, hope we live..I choose to live. To truly live. So that lying there cold and lifeless, I will have found my purpose, or maybe not. Because this life, who knows?

But first, hope we stop and feel the whispering winds on our necks, we stop to watch the butterflies land, we stop to give tight hugs to the sad grieving moms, we stop to listen and give….we just stop and smell the roses.

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